The death of a spouse redefines life in the most profound way possible. In a world of couples, sudden and unwanted singleness can seem isolating and lonely. Learning to be alone – and to enjoy being alone – can be an enormous hurdle for widows and widowers. And learning to reach out again can be the biggest hurdle of all.Jane Brody also wrote losing a partner in The New York Times this week from a personal perspective, her husband died earlier this year.
Some people rebound too quickly, before they've had the chance to process their grief. Others, more fearful than needy, wait way too long.
"We pigeonhole people all the time," said Joe Lumello, bereavement services manager at Yolo Hospice. "We tell them, 'You have this amount of time to grieve.' It's our job here to debunk that. Nothing breaks my heart more than when somebody says, 'It's been six months now. I should be over it.' "
Rule No. 1 of successful re-entry from widowhood: There are no rules.
"It takes as long as it takes," said Denise Rose, the Yolo Hospice bereavement counselor who helps run Dunaway's new support group for people who've decided it's time to explore new experiences and relationships.
"We can't control grieving. It will control us."
When asked how I’m doing since my husband died in March, I often respond that I need a 48-hour day. It’s a challenge to be Richard and Jane and still do my work and enjoy my life. I have yet to balance the checkbook, there are piles upon piles of unprocessed paperwork everywhere, and, if not for the help of my sons, I would be clueless about managing my finances.
But I do keep my walk swept, and I’ve cleaned up two large yards, tasks we had always done together. When the man who came to replace my gas meter found a hole leading to the chimney and said he would have to turn off my furnace, I said “No you don’t.” I ran to the hardware store, bought a can of “instant” plaster, climbed to the top of a ladder and, straddling it and the adjacent furniture, this 4-foot-10-inch, 69-year-old woman plastered a rather large hole near the ceiling while the meter man waited and didn’t even offer to hold the ladder.
HFA receives many calls from people looking for bereavement support. Your local hospice (find one here) is a great source of support. Many hospice offers support groups for all members of the community, not just families of those who died while receiving hospice services. For more information on finding a support group, see our website.
